What We Learned – Newcastle 2 West Ham United 0

What We Learned – Newcastle 2 West Ham United 0

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Newcastle United secured their Premier League status with a 2-0 win against West Ham at St. James’ Park. It would also be the last match for Hammers manager Sam Allardyce.

This was, for all matters of grave importance, one of the two matches that meant anything on this final Premier League round. With Hull City and Newcastle United both scrambling feverishly to avoid the final relegation spot, and the rest of the league laconically flipping through holiday brochures, it was funny how forgone the conclusion to this match was. Newcastle needed a win here, or they’d have to rely on Manchester United taking down Hull City, a solid bet to be sure, but not a sure-thing. West Ham United, whose roster have been utterly absent between the ears for the last month or so, were arguably the most willingly subservient opponents, a team whose scoreboard acronym may as well be W-I-N instead of W-H-U. Of late, a fixture against the Hammers has meant a sure-fire win, and today was no different, even in these relatively pressurised circumstances. Newcastle fulfilled their obligations as goals from Moussa Sissoko and Jonas Gutierrez moved them clear of the relegation zone and into 15th.

Allardyce’s removal was so imminent, it was tedious.

Three minutes after the final whistle, with the final scoreline a comfortable 2-0 victory for the hosts, the announcement that Sam Allardyce wouldn’t be West Ham United manager next season was posted on the club website. The West Ham supporters, informed at the time via their smartphones or not, were singing tender four-letter words to bid Big Sam adieu; they will not miss his presence at Upton Park next season. West Ham had sleepwalked through this last handful of rounds, and the performance against Newcastle was as sluggishly predictable as the post-game news. “I knew it was coming,” Allardyce remarked, apparently unperturbed. “There’s no problem. I’ve had a discussion with the owners and we both agree it’s right time to move on.”

Newcastle’s team should be nowhere near the relegation zone.

In the end, Newcastle needn’t have beaten West Ham, as Hull could only manage a draw against Manchester United. But beat West Ham they did, and relegation was staved off. This season, by any measure an utterly shambolic disgrace, ended on a welcome high note on Tyneside, but this last merry chime shouldn’t disguise just how appalling Newcastle have been. On paper this Newcastle team, equipped with internationals Sissoko, Janmaat, Cisse, Coloccini, Krul, Cabella, and others, should be nowhere near the relegation battle. Their near-downfall this season was orchestrated by a criminally incompetent club hierarchy, who thought it a wise decision to allow Alan Pardew to leave with no capable replacement in sight. John Carver, for all of his good club-man charm, was terribly under-qualified, and the free-fall he oversaw nearly cost them a spot on the top tier. The last few seasons have seen Newcastle flying by the seat of their trousers, selling their best players and only barely suppressing the mutinous, clamouring masses in the stands. Are they the worst run club in England?

Jonas Gutierrez’s goal was a lovely thing.

The goal itself was unremarkable, a deflected, scurrying shot that squirmed into the bottom corner, but the goalscorer made it a special moment. Jonas Gutierrez, only recently returned to his career after finishing chemotherapy for testicular cancer, tore away, ripping off his shirt and whirling it around his head. Of all the contrived storylines this season, all of the shallow outrage and superficial grandstanding that occurs in professional football, here was a player whose journey this season has been infinitely harder than most. He will not be a Newcastle United player next season, with the club opting not to renew his contract, but he fashioned himself a glorious send-off here. He has spent seven years at Newcastle, playing for them in both the Premier League and the Championship. He will be remembered with fondness by the fans, and deservedly so.

What next for the Hammers?

This season, which began joyously, and has ended horribly, is now finally over for West Ham. So too is the reign of Allardyce, a steady-handed reign, but one lacking that essential pizazz and containing far too much Kevin Nolan. So, what now, or rather, who now? Slaven Bilic has announced he’ll be leaving Besiktas at the end of the season. Rafa Benitez has done likewise at Napoli. David Moyes still hangs around, the sweet scent of a British mid-table manager exemplar. Next season is perhaps the most crucial in the clubs history, where relegation would be worse than disastrous. Allardcye had one of the most lucrative contracts in world football, an astonishing fact considering his fairly limited abilities, and David Gold and David Sullivan must again open their pocketbooks to ensure a quality replacement is secured. The squad is one that needs clearing out, with a striker and a midfielder as the top transfer priorities. Carl Jenkinson, ideally, will be a West Ham player next season, and Andy Carroll, ideally, will not. The job, as the Hammers transition into the Olympic Stadium, is a project of some magnitude, but one that promises rich rewards for the right candidate. Choose wisely.

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